


two words

by notabledeeds



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Apologies, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26997043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notabledeeds/pseuds/notabledeeds
Summary: Shuichi has a bad day and inevitably  manages to get into a fight with Kokichi, all while forgetting something so very important.Two words aren’t enough but I hope you understand.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 108





	two words

**Author's Note:**

> hi urm idk what this is oh god- i just had a rlly weird day and then i just .. yea this happened  
> ⠀⠀⠀⠀  
> i know this probably has a ton of mistakes i wrote this all in one go and just simply had to get it out of my system as this is lowkeyy a vent:”) i’m probably going to edit it tomorrow afternoon though or something uh ya let’s see  
> ⠀⠀⠀⠀  
> also i genuinely don’t know if something similar has been done before but if so pls lmk <3

It’s Shuichi’s fault. Now he knows it is, with bitter clarity and regret.

He’d simply had a bad day, although such was admittedly an understatement. It had been raining the whole day and Kokichi hadn’t been tucked under the warm covers of their blanket next to him when he’d woken up either, something that was rather rare these days. On his way to work the wind had begun to blow relentlessly, nearly scooping up the black umbrella he’d clung to and sending it to god knows where.

Shuichi had managed at the end though, somehow at least. Just stepping through the door of his workplace though had only made his day lengths worse, not that he’d known at the moment or he would’ve probably left to go find his missing boyfriend instead of just sending him a simple text. His colleagues had been absolutely unbearable, pointing out flaws that weren’t evident in the first place and thus only confusing and hindering Shuichi and his work. The pressure of the cases on his workplace containing missing faces and desperate lovers and families had only added to the fact, really. The coffee break he always took hadn’t been filled with sweet and playful messages of his boyfriend either, the only thing staring back at him blankly being the last message he’d sent the former.

_ Where were you this morning? _

Oh how that one question would come to haunt him in the course of the day. The rain had still been pounding against glass windows, only getting worse as the day progressed. Luckily Shuichi didn’t have to go outside, a small relief in a day of trouble and chaos. Work, work and more work. No texts either, just those of his parents which he couldn’t care less about.

(How dare they not show up at the dinner he’d planned for ages and then proceed to pester him the following week?)

And today of all times as well, really what even was this day.

Eventually he’d gotten off work after offending multiple people and snapping more than once, something he honestly rarely did. To sum it up the day had gone absolutely horrible so far. Of course the wind had decided to pick up too, only increasing in its strength and sending the detective’s umbrella on an actual trip this time. Shuichi had been basically dripping by the time he got home.

Shuichi rarely got mad and if he did he made sure not to let it show, thus causing nobody to actually notice most of the time. Only Kokichi could, he always could. Not like he concealed any of his churning anger when he forcefully slammed his keys in the lock of his door before ripping it open and throwing it shut behind him with a loud noise. The petite figure currently sprawled over their couch startled slightly at the noise but Shuichi couldn’t bring a part of him to care, the only thought at his boyfriend sitting on their couch being why the other hadn’t responded the entire day.

“Where were you?” he’d asked, not bothering with niceties such as a greeting or a kiss as he might’ve done any other day. The thought that Kokichi’s day had been as bad as his own, likely even worse, hadn’t been something crossing his mind at given moment. So instead of taking the other’s sulking appearance into account he’d proceeded to tell him off.

In hindsight Shuichi couldn’t even recall the things he’d said exactly, angry words leaving his mouth similar to a faucet turned up to the fullest. All of them spilling out angrily, being too much to fully process. They weren’t even all connected to the man now standing in front of him, peering up at Shuichi with an unreadable expression on his face.

On any other day the other might’ve ignored all the ugly words being spat at him, on any other day the leader would’ve understood that his lover was currently just spewing nonsense, on any other day Kokichi would’ve reacted the same way he usually would: taking the detective into his arms and calming him down, while knowing that said words were merely empty and full of frustration instead. Yeah, on any other day he probably would have, but unfortunately that day hadn’t been any other day.

But Shuichi hadn’t known, oh no he hadn’t, he knew now after staring at the calendar hanging on one of their white walls of their apartment. But that day he hadn’t, and what a miserable mistake it had been.

And Kokichi’s seemingly unreadable expression had shifted into one of pure anger, so much anger it would’ve thrown Shuichi off guard hadn’t he been so blinded by his own rage and frustration. A spat “What the hell is wrong with you?” had been accompanied by a step forward.

After that close to pointless yelling had ensued, which hadn’t even lasted long really, but had hurt more than anything nonetheless.

“What? You think the whole world revolves around you?”

“Funny how you’re the one saying that considering the fact that your behaviour is the most ignorant thing ever. Seriously Kokichi, do you even bother to think about others at all sometimes? Some people other than yourself?”

He should’ve stopped there. But everything had just been too much. The other’s sudden disappearance and lack of response which had only proceeded to remind him of all the missing lovers being mourned for every single day Shuichi didn’t manage to solve their cases.

Everyone seemingly set on hindering him in doing such, whether it being his colleagues which he’d done so much for or his parents, after neglecting him completely after first getting his hopes up.

So to say it quite frankly he hadn’t, instead he’d completely ignored the other’s face shifting into one of utter confusion and hurt, something it did oh so rarely and had proceeded to press on.

“You just simple don’t give a shit do you? You don’t just lie to protect yourself and yourself only, you also don’t even bother to take in your surroundings! And you want to be a leader?”

Kokich had gasped at the last question before staggering backwards and looking at Shuichi as if he’d just slapped him across the face. Shuichi had only continued to breathe heavily at that point, all the words piled up inside of him having been spat out and drained out of him completely. But before he could even process the damage said words had caused Kokichi had opened his mouth.

“I thought you understood, I thought you _cared_.”

Without giving Shuichi the chance to reply, not that he would’ve actually been able to, he’d bolted outside, only taking his shoes with him as the detective would notice shortly after the door slammed shut. And that’s how he’d found himself after; brooding on their couch, going over their entire conversation- or rather fight- something they rarely had. Trying to go through everything that had just transpired even though bits and pieces were starting to get muddy and blurry already, making it hard for him to recall.

Was it his fault?

The detective had sighed while combing through his hair with his left hand and sparing a look at the wooden door that had closed seconds ago. He’d taken a few steps forward after getting up, now registering the fact that the other had left without the navy coat he wore religiously, the coat that his boyfriend swore he’d wear till the day he died.

_ “O-Ouma-kun you can’t just say something like that?!” _

_ Purple strands of fluffy hair whip around as the other tilts his head at Shuichi. “Hmmm? Why not! I love it! The fact that my beloved Saihara-chan gave it to me only makes it so much better! And to think that it’s actually his coat to begin with! I truly will wear this till the day I die!” _

_ He grins cheerily before bringing a hand to his chest and laughing quietly. One of the rare and soft ones Shuichi has come to adore the past few years. The ones that weren’t loud and forced but sweet and genuine, something nearly reserved for his ears and eyes only. Shuichi can’t help but smile at the other, if he had known that him gifting his boyfriend his coat for their 6 month anniversary would’ve made him this happy he would’ve probably done so ages ago. _

_ “No, seriously,” Ouma shoots him a small smile, one that causes Shuichi’s stomach to do little backflips, “thank you. This means so much to little old me and that’s not a lie!” _

_ Shuichi just proceeds to laugh a bit. “I’m glad Ouma-kun.” _

_ He’s rewarded with a kiss to his cheek and the reassurance of being the best boyfriend ever which had only caused Shuichi to grow flustered and to blush furiously, only earning him another soft laugh from the other. _

_ God he loved that laugh so much. _

Shuichi had staggered back as if struck, similar as Kokichi had done earlier and had only grit his teeth at the bittersweet memory provoked at the sight of a navy coat, completely worn due to years of usage. He’d just shaken his head before turning around and walking out of the hallway connected to their living room only to stop again at the sight of something lying on the carpeted floor in front of their couch.

He’d picked it up, inspecting the small object with his hands and his eyes had widened at the sight. The question why the other had probably fiddled with said object hadn’t managed to fully enter his mind as memories came flooding in, akin to how they had before.

_ Shuichi is admittedly kind of nervous. He knows he’d given Ouma-kun a bunch of presents in the past and he’d been awarded with more than positive responses everytime but this, this was just so different. _

_ This was different and personal and the detective was scared he was overstepping any boundaries with it, said worry being stupid if you only took the currently neatly wrapped up present into account but- it meant so much more than what it looked like and he knows that. And Ouma would know too. _

_ “What’s that?” _

_ A seemingly innocent question but Shuichi startles nonetheless. Alright, deep breaths, he could do this. He’s also painfully aware of the fact that this could indeed backfire immensely and cause his boyfriend of nearly two years to just scurry off and wish to never see him again. He’s aware of the fact that there are other and perhaps even better ways to reveal his knowledge of this, this being something he hadn’t even intended to figure out. Which, to keep it short, would be the existence of DICE. _

_ He knew it was kind of silly to think about, Ouma had basically told him about his organisation with over ten thousand followers from day one. Shuichi had obviously only partly believed the other, there had to be a reason Ouma was titled as the Ultimate Supreme Leader after all. But over the course of their school years... He’d never gotten a single glimpse of named organisation and a part of him had weirdly begun to accept the fact that maybe it wasn’t an organisation with actual people after all. _

_ Well, that was until he’d accidentally answered his boyfriend’s phone while not bothering to check the caller or the actual device at that moment. _

_ If he had he probably would’ve noticed the fact that said device wasn’t black like his own but white with a checkered phone case around it. But he had answered it and had immediately been scolded by a younger female voice, probably around his age, referring to him as ‘boss’ and repeating that there definitely weren’t enough balloons and white cloth. Shuichi had been so stunned that he’d failed to reply which had only caused the girl on the other side to grow irritated and to reply that ‘DICE didn’t think their leader messing with them at a time like this was funny at all’. Shuichi had ripped his eyes away from said device then and had continued to hang up immediately after realising that he was indeed holding Ouma’s phone and not his own. _

_ A small mental breakdown later and he realised that he’d indeed just answered the call of one of his boyfriend’s organisation’s members, apparently named DICE. The phone had started ringing again shortly after the realisation had hit him but his boyfriend had bolted into the room immediately this time, picking up the phone with a small grin in Shuichi’s direction before disappearing again. _

_ To his surprise the fact that he’d answered the phone hadn’t been mentioned once the days after. And god it had been nagging at him ever since he’d done so. What if Ouma hadn’t actually wanted him to know? He’d never actually told Shuichi about his organisation explicitly nor had he mentioned its name... Had the detective betrayed his boyfriend’s trust and invaded his privacy? Would he be mad at him? When would he find out in the first place? The questions and worries were just too much to take in and process so now here he was: standing in front of his boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, holding out something to said person with slightly trembling hands. _

_Speaking of said person... Ouma obviously isn’t looking pleased at the lack of reaction and is currently pouting up at him angrily. _

_ “Seriously, what is that mister detective? I thought we said no presents on Valentine’s Day since it’s yucky and all!” _

_ Shuichi starts fiddling with the small shiny package and feels his cheeks heat up. “Y-Yeah I know... I-I’m sorry but this is kind of important? I promise it’s not just a regular gift!” _

_ Now Ouma cocks his head in a questioning manner which is honestly way too adorable before sighing reluctantly and taking the small gift out of Shuichi’s hands. “Fine! If it’s not I’m going to gift you that big fluffy bear I promised you aaaaall those years ago.” _

_ “You mentioned that last year though-“ _

_ Ouma huffs. “You’re no fun Saihara-chan!” _

_ He sticks out his tongue slightly before opening the purple package and the leader’s eyes widen as soon as he takes in its contents. “S-Saihara-chan you-“ _

_ “B-Before you say anything can you ah read the little paper attached to it?” _

_ Ouma does as asked of him and his eyes only continue to widen even further as he skims along the lines of text. Shuichi’s heart is beating rapidly inside his rib cage and he just really really hopes this whole thing wasn’t a mistake. Surely his boyfriend must be done reading by now, but instead of replying anything he just keeps staring at the small object in his palm and the piece of paper next to it. _

_ “O-Ouma?” _

_ Violet eyes snap up to his own and Shuichi swears he feels his heart stop the moment he sees tears swimming in them. Before he can actually reply anything though his boyfriend wraps his arms around him in a bone crushing hug. The other’s face is burried in his chest and thus makes it hard for the detective to understand the other’s muffled mumbling. _

_ He sighs before slightly petting his boyfriend’s head and raising his voice. “Listen I-I can’t understand you but ah I hope I didn’t upset you with-“ _

_ That only causes his boyfriend’s head to snap up before glaring at him through slightly puffy eyes. “Are you kidding?! How could I,” he sniffles and wipes his nose quickly before continuing, “how could I be upset at you? God Shumai I-“ _

_ Ouma takes a step backwards and a deep breath before looking at him through a face entirely devoid of any emotion. Though Shuichi startles slightly at the sudden change in demeanour he knows it’s not necessarily a bad one, merely one showing that the other is completely honest with him. _

_ “This- This is probably the best thing I’ve ever received okay? And how could I ever be upset with you Silly? The only reason I,” he heaves a sigh while closing his eyes for a split second, “the only reason I haven’t told you about them yet was cause I didn’t know how to approach the topic because hey! Surprise! My alleged organisation of ten thousand members is actually just made up of 17!” _

_ He grins at him way too widely before his face goes entirely blank again. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t mean as much as ten thousand people to me. I think your pretty little detective head understands that though, right?” _

_ Shuichi can’t help but nod dumbly and he exhales briefly before shooting him a small smile. “Good. Thank you for this Saihara-chan.” _

Shuichi had kept twirling the ring adorned with a small dice in between his fingers, the object now being too small for his boyfriend to wear. He admittedly hadn’t seen the gift in a while, partly due to it not fitting the other anymore and a part of Shuichi had thought the piece of jewellery had gone missing when they’d moved in together.

He had placed the ring on the small coffee table next to their couch before pacing around their apartment, the previous exchange still repeating inside his mind. Nothing bad seemed clear to him anymore, neither his feelings nor his thoughts. The memories of the other weren’t making the situation any better and a part of Shuichi had already begun to scream at him to finally run outside and follow the other. He’d asked himself the question of how long it had been since the other had left their shared apartment and freezes upon unlocking his phone, because of course, of course in that exact moment the picture set as his lock screen had nearly proceeded to mock the detective with how happy he and Kokichi looked on it and the detective remembered that day oh so well.

_ Shuichi wakes due to something heavy and warm settling on his chest. The detective doesn’t even have to open his eyes to know what or rather who it is, there’s only one plausible option. So he ends up smiling despite himself and automatically moves his hand to ruffle soft strands of purple hair. _

_ “Hnnghhh Shuuuuichi you’re ruining my haaaaaair! And that after I spent so long on it for my beloved’s 21st birthday!” _

_ Shuichi can’t help but laugh at the other complaining like a toddler and opens his eyes to blink at the person currently occupying most of his chest. Violet eyes peer up at him and the detective continues to smile at the more than welcoming sight. _

_ He’s admittedly still kind of sleepy, he must’ve dozen off after falling asleep on the soft purple blanket currently spread over the grass of one of their nearby parks. The first time he’d mentioned spending his birthday with his boyfriend alone Kokichi had sent him a confused look and asked him the question of why he’d do so if ‘he literally has the whole class available to throw some wild ass parties with’ to which he’d just chuckled and pulled the other closer while whispering that he’d rather spend the day all alone with him. _

_ Despite being 21 the other had turned into a red spluttering mess before hitting Shuichi’s arm and telling him to stop being so ‘sappy it’s disgusting and making his teeth rot’. It’s kind of ironic how Kokichi is always so overly expressive with his feelings and adoration towards Shuichi but as soon as they’re returned by his boyfriend he gets all shy and flustered. Funny how that hasn’t changed since they’d started dating either. _

_ They actually got pretty lucky with the weather. Despite it being September already the weather is honestly amazing and the sun has been shining the entire day, as if sensing that it’s the detective’s birthday today. So visiting Shuichi’s favourite place, which would be their nearby park, had seemed nearly too perfect. They’d gotten some coffee (or more he had gotten coffee and Kokichi a hot chocolate) at a cafe next to said park before spreading the blanket they’d brought with them and thus the object Shuichi had fallen asleep on. _

_ He blinks sleepily and begins twirling one of the other’s purple hair strands in his fingers while smiling down at him in a probably way too lovestruck expression (not like he minded though). Kokichi just hums at the gesture and mimics his smile before eventually leaning up in order to press his lips on the detective’s. Shuichi sighs into the kiss and moves the hand previously occupied with his boyfriend’s hair to cup the side of his face delicately while stroking a thumb along the other’s cheek. Kokichi hums into the kiss at the gesture before Shuichi decides to flip them around rather abruptly, causing him to cage the petite leader with his elbows on each side of his body. _

_ The leader’s eyebrows wiggle suggestively. “Oho is Shuichi growing bold in public? Be careful there are children around!” _

_ The detective just chuckles fondly at the silly remark before leaning down slightly so his lips brush against the shell of Kokichi’s ear. “Mmm don’t worry, I’ll save that all for later.” _

_ He hears a gasp next to him and removes his head to peer down at the other’s flustered but seemingly way too delighted face. His boyfriend was just too cute. They’ve been a couple for nearly 5 years now and Shuichi still finds himself entirely mesmerised by the person currently underneath him. He swoops down again to steal another kiss when he’s suddenly flipped around causing him to release a surprised yelp at the sensation. _

_ “That’s enough kisses for now! I know it’s your birthday and all but,” he rummages through the cotton bag currently lying on the blanket next to them and pulls out a brown plastic container, “we have to eat this first! Don’t want some random squirrels to steal it away from us, do we?” _

Even after staring at the image the detective had still been able to taste the sweet flavour of strawberry cake on his lips, as if the day had occurred yesterday and not over 3 years ago. He’d ended up sighing and shaking his head. It had been nearly 10 minutes since the other had left and he’d admittedly only been growing more and more restless since then.

But still, Kokichi’s actions hadn’t been okay or anything close to it. Shuichi had just been worried and god this day had been absolutely miserable in total.

The detective had put his phone down and proceeded to stalk into their kitchen, for what reason exactly he didn’t know. As he’d walked past every single piece of carefully arranged and picked furniture his heart had only proceeded to ache. Why hadn’t Kokichi just been present this morning?

But a part of him had known that it wasn’t purely the leader’s fault, it was as much his own if not more. He’d shaken his head and swept his gaze along the shelves and furniture of their shared kitchen, his gaze growing fond the longer it travelled and his heart only beginning to ache more and more as memories had started occupying his mind once again.

_ “And you’re surely okay with this?” _

_ The fact that Kokichi really was willing to spend that much money on something only one of them could really enjoy was still entirely strange to the detective. His partner just rolls his eyes at the repeated question before turning around and shooting the other a bored look. _

_ “Yes Shumai. Don’t act as if this is really so unbelievable to you, what’s wrong with your boyfriend agreeing to pay a little more for something you want?” _

_ “I-I just- It really is expensive and we couldn’t honestly get another version of-“ _

_ But Kokichi interrupts him before he can finish his sentence. “Nope! We’re getting this and that’s final. Now stop looking like a kicked puppy and more like a puppy that finally got the coffee machine it’s been wanting for ages!” _

_ “I don’t think puppies like coffee machines though...” _

_ The look on Kokichi’s face is absolutely priceless and the detective laughs fondly as he snakes an arm around the other’s waist to pull him in closer. Shuichi is just so happy they finally have the opportunity to decorate and plan something belonging to them and them only. Moving in with the other had admittedly been on his mind ever since they’d graduated from Hope’s Peak but of course his boyfriend had only beat him to the punch anyway. _

_ It’s not like he minded though, if anything Shuichi was just filled with sappy and happy feelings and way too much adoration for the leader in front of him. DICE had agreed to help with moving, such as all their classmates, something they were both unbelievably grateful for. The detective honestly couldn’t wait to finally settle down with the person he loved and adored so m- _

_ A slim finger booping his nose rips him out of his thoughts and he blinks a few times before staring at the person currently still in his arms. Kokichi just giggles softly at Shuichi’s most likely aghast expression and proceeds to pull him down by the collar to press a quick kiss to his lips. Said quick kiss turns into something more until they’re suddenly interrupted by a loud cough next to them. _

_Shuichi releases Kokichi as if struck by lightning while the other just chuckles softly. Right, they were still in a public store after all. _

Shuichi had just proceeded to shake his head for about the hundredth time at the memory. This really was going nowhere. Whether he was wrong or right, he needed to find the other and talk this through properly.

So the detective had left the kitchen in order to continue walking through their apartment, sparing each room another glance before eventually reaching the wooden door of their apartment. Each glance and look had only provoked more memories to bubble up, just evidently proving to the detective how important it was for him to finally get going and leave before this had the chance to get any worse.

_ “Happy Birthday!” _

_ Purple eyes glare up at him sleepily and Kokichi proceeds to rub his eyes and stifles a yawn before merely sparing his partner another bored look and rolling over so he’s facing the other side, pulling their big fluffy blanket with him in the process. _

_ But Shuichi was having none of that. _

_ “H-Hey what are you baHAHDAH STOP-“ _

_ The detective just laughs as he continues to tickle the other mercilessly, aiming to get him out of bed that way or to at least provoke him to move a muscle. It’s already close to 1pm and while Shuichi loved sleeping in on Sundays he did have some plans for the other’s special day. So he just ends up ignoring the leader’s pleading and just continues to move his fingers along the other’s sides as Kokichi proceeds to thrash around aimlessly. _

_ “A-Alright I surrender oh my gOD STOP!” _

_ “Fine. Now get out of bed? Please?” _

_ Shuichi cocks his head slightly as the other sits upright and turns around to scowl at him disapprovingly. “God Shumai usually you’re the one I barely manage to get out of bed, what happened?” _

_ “Your birthday happened, so please..?” _

_ Kokichi huffs, causing one of his purple hair strands to swing in the air in the process before leaning slightly towards the detective and shooting him a grin. “Fine. Only if Shu makes me a real nice bath though!” _

_ He laughs slightly before replying. “I guess that can be arranged.” _

_ “And! He has to join me and wash my hair too!” _

_ Kokichi reminds him of a small child with how greedy and happy he looks and Shuichi can’t help but ruffle his hair as he nods approvingly and softly kisses the other’s cheek. “Happy birthday love.” _

How had it even come this far? He was close to sure there had been a reason for the other’s disappearance and if only...

As soon as the detective’s eyes had drifted to the calendar seemingly hanging peacefully on one of their walls he swore he’d felt his heart stop. Of course, god of course how had he missed something like that?

_ He’d received the call in the afternoon. _

_ Shuichi had obviously thought nothing of it, just blindly grabbing his phone and answering after sparing a quick glance to the name displayed. His brows furrowed slightly as he read his lover’s name but answered nonetheless. When he picked up the line was dead silent though, no sounds except for the static noise of the call. _

_ “H-Hello?” _

_ A deep shuddering breath. _

_ “Shu-“ _

_ His name is cut off by a sob on the other line and alarm bells go off immediately inside the detective’s mind. _

_ “Kichi are you okay? Where are you?” _

_ Another breath, this time more shakily than before and Shuichi swears he can feel his heart clench at the sound. _

_ “I-It’s A-Akari oh my god Shuichi s-she-“ _

_ “Hey deep breaths okay? Where are you?” _

_ There’s a pause filled with the sound of a few shuddering breaths and Shuichi internally thanks the other for listening before responding. “I-I’m at home but I wanted to drive to our headquarters a-and-“ _

_ “Hey Kichi listen to me, don’t drive there okay? Try to calm down I’m here for you and I’ll be right there alright?” _

_ There’s another sob and Shuichi thinks he’s never heard something that heartbreaking before. “O-Okay... Can you stay o-on the l-line?” _

_ “Of course love, just try breathing nice and slowly for me okay?” _

_ The ride home earned him more than one speeding ticket but not a part of the detective could bring himself to care. He basically throws open the door only to see the crumbled form of his partner on the floor, looking so utterly sad and wretched Shuichi wants to yell at how unfair the world is. Instead he scoops the other up in his arms and proceeds to hold and cradle him as Kokichi just continues sobbing and sobbing. _

_ The moment he thinks there’s truthfully no end to the other’s tears his breathing begins to even out more and more and Shuichi carries him over to their shared bedroom, carefully placing the leader on the white sheets of their bed. _

_ He looks so tired, so broken it makes the detective tear up himself. _

_ Shuichi lies down next to his lover, embracing him and kissing the top of his head while cursing the world for being so miserable. _

While he’d felt his heart beat pick up faster and faster and his guilt growing more and more he rushed to the end of their hallway, helplessly pulling on some random boots and taking his keys- no Kokichi’s keys.

_ “Hey, hey look at me.” _

_ Glazed over, violet eyes reluctantly move to stare into golden ones. The past year had been hard for the both of them. Sadly more for his boyfriend than himself. _

_ “You’re so strong okay?” _

_ Kokichi just nods dumbly before closing his eyes and sighing deeply. “God Shuichi I’m such a mess,” he heaves a laugh which sounds more bitter and sad than anything else before continuing, “how and why do you even put up with me?” _

_ “Because I love you dumbass and because you deserve to be cared about. I care about you.” _

_ Shuichi swears he can hear the other’s breath hitch for a split second before the sleeve of his grey hoodie on the other’s petite body moves in order to rub over his face. “Thank you. I- I love you too.” _

_ Shuichi’s eyes widen at the statement and he pulls the other close to his chest. “I’m so proud of you okay? I swear if you ever need time to yourself in future around this time I’ll be there to give it to you.” _

The only thoughts that had proceeded to run through the detective’s mind were the repeated questions of how he could’ve possible messed up that badly and him cursing himself the entire time until he finally managed to stand in front of the wooden door of their shared apartment, his hand already resting on the doorknob.

It’s _his_ fault, he knows it is with bitter clarity and regret now as he pushes open the door belonging to the seemingly way too big apartment and making his way outside.

The weather is way too calm, too serene now. Shuichi knows the thoughts are so incredibly stupid but he can’t bring himself to change any of them.

The steps over to his car are heavy, but he knows they are necessary if he truthfully wants to apologise.

He gets in wordlessly, turns on the engine and starts driving, knowing exactly where he has to go, has the only place where he could possibly apologise burned in his brain.

The drive isn’t long, probably a 10 minute long drive at best and he reaches his stop earlier than he would’ve liked. Every step hurts and the thoughts he’d so desperately tried to keep down are currently beginning to claw their way back out of his throat. 

_ “I thought you understood, I thought you cared.” _

He stops abruptly as the words ring through his mind, so hauntingly clear the detective has to calm his breathing before he takes the next steps.

_ “I- I love you too.” _

A sob eventually manages to claw its way out of his throat and Shuichi clenches his eyes shut near desperately, he knows he has to do this and he has to hurry or-

_ “I truly will wear this till the day I die!” _

God he can’t do this how had he thought this would be a good idea, finally going by himself, this was too much he-

Still he forces himself forward, forces his limbs that currently feel like metal to keep taking steps until he finally comes to a stop.

Shuichi closes his eyes and heaves a sigh.

He opens them again to a small slab of stone embedded in a small field of purple carnations, placed next to a smaller and older one a few feet next to it.

“I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Shuichi hates cars now, he didn’t even manage to get into one until Kaede had basically talked him into doing it, saying that this was different and he’d be okay. Without her he probably wouldn’t’ve been able to drive to his lover's grave in the first place. But he did, after 2 years he finally did. He managed and even though it hurts, hurts so badly he sometimes forgets to breathe he’d managed to say the words ghosting around in his head for seemingly decades: saying the words that he’s sorry. He knows that two words aren’t enough, could never be enough to carry everything he means and wishes to say, but a part of him knows that Kokichi would understand. Oh, and how much he wishes that he does. He misses him so much.


End file.
